Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
