I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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