you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
