I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
