I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
