so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
