She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
