Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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