Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
