And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize