I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
