Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
