I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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