He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
