She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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