Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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