We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
