I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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