Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
