I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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