I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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