I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
