I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
