I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
