I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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