I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
