I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
