So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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