it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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