After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
sex in a hospital.. check
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
