i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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