true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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