every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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