Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
