just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
