Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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