Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Found the puke drawer
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
