If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
