Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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