so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
