Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
