nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
