If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
