I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My bed smells like the plague
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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