Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
