Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize