I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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