Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
