I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
