im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
