Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
