she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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