She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
