Pants 0. Shit 1.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
