guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
