If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
