i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Randomize
