Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
