I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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