mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
